life is like a boat.

i need you, near me now
i never knew, just how
you're part of me in all i am.

never been more in the dark, never been this scared.
never been so alone, never been without you

and what i need now, is someone like you
can't believe i din look you up, even if before i knew.
how you have waited for me
i know now.

desperate, i 'm calling out your name,
can you hear me, i'm falling, i cant feel your flame.
so cold that i , i wanna go home
feel your arms around me,
can you hear me, save me;

i put my hands in yours,
i know you'll always be there for me,
you're more than enough ;

Someone asked me recently , why am I going all out for a person , knowing that he's going to leave in two weeks time and probably he might just forget all of this, and move on with life. Although I know I was the foolish one in all of this, I thought he might noticed this time and keep in touch with us more.

Actually,I was kinda disappointed that he forgotten all about us, after all that we went through. It must have meant something to him somehow. I know it meant a huge deal to us when he left. But just not sure,if we both felt the same way. But still, stubbornly,I held on to that glimmer of hope that somewhere deep down,he remembered.

but guess, now i know. that we couldn't amount to them. somehow, they mattered more. that's reality. who was i trying so hard to convince, that's nothing changed. when the truth is that, everything has changed, no matter how much we try to go back to the good old days. oh, and happy birthday, love.

dear friend, pls don't forget us. cos we never once did.

`though we're far apart,
you're always in our hearts.
don't forget that ;

both you and i know. that the cake today, wasn't for me. i'm just a girl whose birthday happen to fall on the day before his. but anyway, i thank you. thank you for making feel somewhat part of it all, when we all know, i wasnt meant to fit. it was beetter than nothing. it really feels great when people get to celebrate your bday for you, but mine , sadly was short- lived. and it just wasnt right at all. some people are just meant to have birthdays alone. anyway, i'm used to it. its been like for the past 18 years. nothing's changed, nothing will. anyway, thank you for the gifts and cake.just so you know, it was my first.

` what i need now, is someone like you
can't believe i din look you up even before i knew ;

i receive Daniel's email on facebook yesterday !
and guess what ? HE'S COMING HOME to visit in TWO weeks time.superr duperly, can't wait. cos i really miss him alot, and the good old days.hopefully, this time when he comes , i hope he brought the good old days in 07 with him. i intend to relive them all over again.

another summer day, has come and gone away
in Paris and Rome
but i wanna go home ;

yesterday, i dreamt about someone unexpected. hahaass. i dreamt of daniel. i dreamt that he came back to visit all of us in church. i know its weird. hahas. guess, i really miss daniel alot huh. DANIEEL, pls come visit us this summer , you're deeply missed by everyone here !

okay , you just did it. you freakingly cross the final line that i drawn. you say i need to give in to her , and so i did. to satisfy her , i compromise myself. this is the last straw. i have had fucking enough of all these bullshit. its so bull that i had to even come up with stupid ways to stop her. and i don't even know why i'm doing this . you say you understood her feelings, but did you ever understood mine ? from now on , i don't give a shit anymore. you wanna go with her, go right ahead. but don't expect me to give you my blesssings. you can go to hell , you just might find it there.

` who doesn't long for somehow to hold ,
who knows to love you without being told ;

i really thought everything would worked out here. but i guess i'm terribly terribly wrong. its been three weeks since sch started. and well, everything just seems so different from back there. the environment, the friends you meet here, is so different. in here, the friends that you make, are only the people in your class, and IF you're lucky, your ex - classmate, or friend may in another class somewhere. that's about it. you won't get to know people from the other classes. Why is it so hard to make friends here ? feeling alone sucks. i know i should go up and try to blend in, and make friends with them. the girls are really nice, its not them with the problem, its just me. i suppose these kind of things, you cant force right. i mean if it were meant to be, it would fit perfectly, if not , you;ll just get pushed away each time. and the worst part is i got no where else to hide but behind my laptop. i pray each time no one knows. but who am i kidding ? i can't keep this for long.

Lately, i feel like i'm alone in all of this, somehow i can't feel you, i donnoe if you're here, or you're carrying me through. i really donnoe. God, i want to hear your voice, feel you again cos i know i cant carry on without you here. don't leave me here alone, stay, walk right beside till the end.

` Who can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Sometimes you just can't make it on your own

i'm at the crossroads, wondering where to turn. i know you want me to stay. but this time God, i can't. maybe in the past the veil of truth has blinded me from the harsh reality, but now, everything is clear.so clear, i wish i hadn't know any of it. i really want to fulfill your destiny for my life. but not this way anymore. i admit i'm freaked out by the A levels results, its really hard to go in through this. so i decide to take the other route. its not the slacky route, it wld be equally tough. and i cant have another repeat of what happen in O levels.

its not that i dont trust nor believe in you.its just i can't bear to let my family, mum and especially you, God. dad told us mum work till death.when i heard that, my heart broke. she gave so much up for the family. i couldnt let that all go to waste. and you, God, you helped me so much.i can thank you for eternity, and it still wouldnt be enough. cos you're just awesome. i cannot bear to let you down.thats why, i'm choosing to leave.

i hope you'll understand, you'll have to. cos no one else will but you. lets this be a new start, my past 1 year hasnt at all been productive. i only wonder, if its all too late to start all over again.this time God, i promised i'll worked like i've never did, just so that i can go uni. your will for me, means so much.i'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

i think the only thing i cant bear to leave behind, is the ppl here. but life still has to go on. i just hope i'll have the courage to leave everything behind. i wouldnt consider my past year here a waste. i've learnt so much. this time, i want to be more independent, to earn my own money, so its less taxing for dad. he's having alot of backaches, and muscle pains. i think his working days are closing in. i like to help him out abit. he's all i got left.

so God, i pray you'll guide me from here and now. i know you're dissappointed. but i'll make you happy again. i promised. love you lots !

` my Jesus, my Lord
you're the love of my life
whereever you go, wanna be by your side ;